Getting Lost
What started out as going to be a mere mention in my journal, has led me to
create this page. Twice within the past couple of weeks I have found myself getting lost either
going to or coming from some place which is very, very familiar to me. Sure, you might say to
yourself, this happens to all of us at one time or another. However, when it starts to occur
more often to someone whose family has a history of Alzheimer's, you cannot help but start to
panic and wonder just what will happen next.
It is just not that I have gotten lost more often lately, but it is becoming more
and more noticeable that I am experiencing very serious problems with my ability to communicate.
I can remember mom trying to explain to me one time, just what she felt when she could no longer
complete her thoughts in a sentence to me. "It is like someone erased everything that you
had written on a blackboard. All gone...." Her words shall haunt me forever. "All gone...
all gone!" She could not have described it better! I will be in the midst of a conversation
and suddenly I have no idea what I was saying or wanted to say. I tried to laugh it off when it
first started to happen, but now it is no longer something that I can merely laugh about. It is
not just my being under stress, or merely menopausal symptoms as some would say. It is much,
much more. I can feel it, and I know in my heart, that, I, too, will one day be among the
"lost".
I cannot even describe how terrified it feels to suddenly have no idea where you
are. Nothing looks familiar to you. Where were you going? Where are you at now? What do you
do? How do you find your way home? I had no clue as to where I was on the expressway as I
drove home from a friend's house the other day. I was half way home and suddenly, I felt as
though I had been dropped from a space ship. None of the exit ramps looked familiar. None of
the street names even looked familiar to me. Sweat poured down my face as terror gripped my
heart. Where was I? Where was I???
Instead of fifteen minutes, it took me over an hour to get home that day. I drove
back and forth on that expressway, trying to find my way back home. I ended up in a rough part
of town and became even more lost, as I got deeper and deeper into even rougher parts of the
city. I got back on the expressway and found myself in rush hour traffic, which made me panic
even more. People were tailing me, honking on their horns because I was not going fast enough
for them. They had no idea that I was terrified and had no idea where I was. They wanted me
to move faster, to get out of their way. They were responding just like the residents in the
nursing home who want those with Alzheimer's to move faster and to get out of their way. I felt
just like them, for I had truly lost my way ,and there was no one to help me find my way back
home.
Today I got lost going to my dentist's office. I left with only about fifteen
minutes to get there knowing that I would have plenty of time to spare. What I did not foresee,
however, was that I would get lost going there and would not know where I was once again. My
heart was pounding as fear gripped me. How can this be? How can this be? I know my way there.
I know my way there. I know my way there!!
By the time I arrived at the office, I was soaked in perspiration. My heart was
pounding and I was afraid that I would not be able to find my way home after my appointment. Is
this how it is going to be? Thankfully I did not get lost coming home, but that does not mean
that I will not get lost again soon.
I have also noticed that I am having diffuculty working on mom's site lately.
Especially if I am away from it for a few days, I cannot remember how do do something once I
return to it, and I have to go back to my files and study what I did over and over again. I
find myself looking at some rather simple html, which now looks like another language to me.
How do I do what I just did a few days ago? Why cannot I get this page to look right? What is
wrong with me? God, what is wrong with me?
Did I create this page because I am looking for sympathy? Absolutely not!
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Absolutely not! Alzheimer's knows no age, it has no
mercy, and one never knows when it will strike or who will be next. Perhaps these episodes will
disappear in time and turn out to be merely just that...episodes. However, I must prepare
myself in case this is indeed, the first stage of Alzheimer's. I have no family, nor anyone
that will look after me or tend to my needs if something should go wrong. I must move even
faster, run even faster, for my time clock may be running out. I knew it when I called my
online journal "Running Scared" that I was running from something. Now I know in my heart what
I am running from, for I am running from this terrible executioner they call Alzheimer's.
Perhaps I will be granted a reprieve and will not be sentenced to linger on death
row among the "lost" in some nursing home somewhere. However, if this is to be my fate, I can
only hope that I will face it as bravely as did my beloved mother. If I one day can no longer
communicate I hope that this website will continue to live on and that others will be able to
learn from it. Our lives will not have been in vain, and one day in the future, Alzheimer's
will face the executioner instead of being the executioner.
bravenet.com
