Letter to an Angel
~To be lovingly delivered to mom in Heaven~
February 21, 2004
Dearest Mom,
I find it so hard to believe that on Feb.21 it will have been an entire year since
you left this earth. How can that possibly be? It seems like just yesterday I
received the phone call that would forever change my life.
I wanted so much to do something so very special to commerate the first anniversary of your death...
God...I still cringe whenever I say the word "death" in reference to you!! I find myself
unable to even put into words what my heart longs to say to you in this letter, but I am
going to do my very best.
I know that you never cared much for flowers and there is no grave for me to place
flowers on, but I have decided to send a beautiful and colorful bouquet to
the nursing home in honor of your memory. The staff and patients always seem to
enjoy lovely flowers, and you will be right there in their hearts and minds.
My heart longs to say so much to you, my beautiful angel, who now resides up in heaven!
I look up into the sky all of the time and blow you kisses, wondering which cloud you
are floating above me on. There is no doubt in my mind that you went straight to Heaven because
you surely suffered enough here on earth.
I miss you so much that I wonder how I manage to go on without you. I used to get upset with you because you clung to me all of your life and you sometimes made me feel smothered. However,
now I feel so lost and unneeded and ever so empty inside. I am used to being a "caregiver"
and it is so difficult for me to accept the fact that I no longer have anyone to care for.
I am writing this letter on February 16, father's birthday. Unlike your birthday, I rarely
ever even remember his birthday. However, for some reason it is different this year. Perhaps it is because you just may be celebrating it with him up in Heaven. I just cannot believe
that this man went to Heaven. God forgive me for saying that, but I will never be able
to justify how he treated us. I am sorry mom, because I know how much you loved him. I just
hope that you are happy, and if that means being happy with father once again, then this is
what I want for you.
What will I actually do when Saturday comes? Will I wake up around the time when the dreaded
phone call came? Whatever will I do? Could it be possible that perhaps, by some miracle, you will come back to me? For just a moment....for just a second....will I be able to feel your warmth beside me? Yes...I am asking for the impossible, I know this, but I cannot help myself.
More than likely I will visit the nursing home on that day. I will somehow find my comfort there among the staff and residents as I always do. Will I be able to walk into your old room on that day? Or will I even be able to walk into the doors of the home? So many emotions will come back to me. How will I handle them?
Oh mom! What can I do to honor your memory on this day? I wish that I had the perfect answer, but I don't. I guess all that I can continue to do is honor your memory through this website and
hope that it helps other victims and their families. This is the only true gift that I can think
of giving you until the day that I die.
I love you, mom! I pray that one day that I will see you again and feel your warmth
next to me. Thank you for giving me your undying gift of love. You will forever remain in my
heart.
All of my Love Forever,
Ellen XOXOXOXOXOX
bravenet.com
