marysdaughterellen
Mom, Father, & Kingsley
They are all gone now...
Just who is marysdaughterellen? A dear friend recently told me that my
mini-autobiography page would be thee most difficult page for me to write. I must admit that she
was absolutely right.
I have always thought of myself as just that...simply marysdaughterellen. For so
long the two of us were attached at the hip like siamese twins. Where one stopped the other
began.
Everything I have done in my life...every single major decision I have ever made in
my life revolved around being marysdaughterellen. Without her in my life I find myself wondering
just who this person is, myself.
I was born Ellen Louise on November 1st. I may be middle aged but I find myself
feeling just like a toddler afraid of the world out there and taking tiny baby steps because I am
afraid of falling.
Unlike other children who may have been born underneath a lucky star, I have come
to truly believe that I was born underneath an avalanche. My life has been one disaster after
another. No sooner do I pick myself up and dust myself off, then something else quickly takes its'
place.
Where should I begin?? How about if I start with this past year and a half or so
which has been thee worst time of my life. Within this time I suddenly lost my job as a
secretary, then I lost mom, and then I almost lost the home which mom and I shared together for
so many years.
So in my early 50's I truly am starting over again in every aspect of my life and
to say that I am scared to death is to put it lightly...
No matter what happened to me in my life before I could always get through it
somehow because I had mom right there by my side. It did not matter..nothing mattered.. as long
as she was there. This time it is different. She is no longer here with me and I feel soo alone
and lost.
Even when mom was in her worst stage of Alzheimer's she was able to convey to me
just how much she loved me. She still could make me laugh and she still could remember a joke or
two. She still could give me a hug and make my world all better.
I grew up a very sickly child and spent most of my younger years in and out of
hospitals and doctor's offices. I could not play like the other children and as a result they
made fun of me and made me feel like a freak. So mom became my playmate and entertained me the
best way that she could.
I always loved to learn and devoted myself to my studies. I was a very shy person
up until I entered business college.
My greatest dream was to become an attorney. I have always been interested in the
study of law and especially trial law. Knowing me however, I would have probably been the
world's poorest attorney because most of my cases would have been done pro bono...
I graduated business college in 1970 and have held a few jobs since then, my latest
being a secretary at a Xerox warehouse right across the street from where we lived. When I was
suddenly informed a year ago this past August that I was no longer needed, I was devastated. I
soon found out the hard way just how disposable this society is today.
I have always been an animal lover! I will feed any animal whose stomach I can
hear grumbling..ha..and I will fight for their rights. I belong to many animal advocacy
associations, my favorite being a wonderful organization called, "Primarily Primates, Inc." in
San Antonio, TX.
I have always had a deep love for all primates, especially those who spend years of
pure torture in labs across our country. So many have never known freedom and my heart goes out
to them.
Within a few months after I put mom into the nursing home I had to have an
emergency hysterectomy. The doctor feared that I, too, had ovarian cancer as all of the tests
came back positive.
However, what they found instead, was advanced endometriosis.
Ladies..beware...this can be a terrible condition that does not always cause you pain. I had no
symptoms but it destroyed my female organs. It also will give positive test results just like you
get with ovarian cancer. That is something I was not aware of until afterwards.
The doctor feared that I,indeed, had advanced ovarian cancer. I had to prepare
myself for my possible death. I was in shock and so worried because mom had just gone into the
home and I knew that she would have no one if I died. It was a rough few months for me as I had
to make a will and make some decisions that I was not prepared for at that time.
Within a couple months of my hysterectomy, I slipped and fell on a wet floor
and fractured and dislocated my right wrist in three places. I have never
gone through such absolute hell in my entire life! I would trade three hysterectomies for one
injury like that to my wrist.
I underwent months of intense physical therapy and had pins put into my wrist and
then had them removed. Even after all of that, I am left with a wrist that will never be the
same. I can no longer bend it the way I used to and I am amazed that I can even type any more.
However, I was determined to regain as much use of it as possible.
I would like to think of myself as a very open and open-minded person. I am not
judgmental of people, in the least. People find me easy to talk to and I love being around
others. I have come a long way from the shy little girl I once was.
I am the type of person that would rather buy someone a present than to receive one
for myself. I have been like that all of my life...
I wish I could call myself a perfect daughter but I am not. During the final days
before I had to admit mom into the home my patience was wearing thin and I shall ever regret some
of the things I said to her. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's or any form of dementia is like
caring for a toddler that is about two. They will try your patience and can be very stubborn. At
the time I had no idea what was really wrong with mom and often I felt as though she was just
being down right stubborn.
I soon became an exhausted and frustrated caregiver. I begged for help at all the
agencies and all I got back was them asking me to make a donation to them. I was asking
for...literally begging for help...and they wanted money!
I had no one to help me except an elderly neighbor that I paid a few dollars to so
that someone would be with mom while I was at work. The rest of the time she was in my total
care. It got to the point where she would not let me get a minute's peace or any sleep. The
moment I would walk into the house she would start and not let up. She would even climb the
stairs upstairs to my apartment constantly and be at my door yelling for me. I am ashamed to
admit that sometimes I turned the stereo up loud just to drown her out for a few seconds.
Why do I feel so guilty and feel like an ogre because I was not a perfect caregiver
all of the time?? Because I lost my temper?? Because I did not always react to things with a
smile on my face?? I will forever feel guilty about this and I beg her forgiveness.
I guess I feel so guilty because usually all the letters and articles I have read
about caregiving seem to be written by or about people who seemed like saints. They never got
frustrated to the point where they said a mean word...never lost their tempers....
Perhaps someone out there feels like me...is going through what I went through..
You are worn out and tired and are no longer as patient as you were. Please do not feel that you
are a bad person because you are not... You are just tired and need to take a break.
I had to admit that I could no longer care for mom by myself. Not only was I
worried about her one day starting to wander outside of the house, but I was worried that perhaps
one day I would lose my temper really badly and then do something that I would end up regretting.
That can happen when you are the sole caregiver and have no one to give you some time out so you
can catch your breath.
Elder abuse is a nasty hidden topic and one of great concern to me. It is just not
horrible people who become elder abusers. It often is family members who have truly loved the
elderly person but have come to the point where they no longer have any patience left.
I had realized that I was fast approaching such a point and before I ever let
myself cross that line I had to let my mom go. That will haunt me forever! I had to admit that I
was not a perfect daughter. I could not care for her the way she deserved to be cared for. I
hope that she has forgiven me for admitting her into that nursing home. I did it out of love...I
did it so I could catch my breath...
Admitting her into the nursing home was the best thing I could have done for both
of us.
They took wonderful care of her and they became a second family to me. Each week I return and
spend hours (just like when mom was alive) with the residents and the staff.
The main thing is make your presence known. Get involved and speak up if there is a
problem. At the same time, you must let them know when they are doing good.
Do not just drop your loved one off and only return on holidays. You must always keep your eyes
and ears open.
I got involved with all of the residents not just mom. If I saw a probem any where
I was right there to speak up.. So many have no one to care about them...they should be our
responsiblity, too!!!
So now you know a little about marysdaughterellen...
I am a middle aged not so perfect daughter who is starting life all over again.
I am hoping that in some small way this web site will touch someone's heart. If I
am able to reach out to just one person then my work will not have been in vain.
I have been a daughter, a caregiver, and affected very deeply by this monster known
as Alzheimer's. If I can help anyone at any time with any of these issues, please do not
hesitate to email me.
My greatest wish however, is to keep my beloved mother's life and spirit alive
through this memorial. I am not seeking glory for myself. What I am seeking though, is honor for
my mother.
In my heart and soul I will simply remain...
marysdaughterellen.
bravenet.com
