My Journal~Running Scared~Page Eleven

4-19-04

I went to visit Madlyn at the nursing home yesterday. As soon as I got out of my car, I smelled a beautiful fragrance that reminded me of my mom's backyard up north. As I walked up to the entrance way, I was stunned to see these two beautiful trees with gorgeous white blossoms on each side of the door. That is where the lovely fragrance was coming from! My grandma had those kind of trees all over her yard, and mom loved how they smelled. I have been going to the home for three years now, and I had never ever noticed them before, and I certainly would have remembered that beautiful scent!

I spent about four hours there visiting Madlyn and those that are still left behind. As usual, I had a wonderful afternoon. There seem to be more and more dementia and Alzheimer's patients roaming the halls these days, and they are despised by all. They travel back and forth nonstop, getting into people's beds, taking things from their drawers, defecating in their beds. To those whose minds are still sharp, they are a terrible nuisance to have among them. They cackle and laugh, lash out and strike, always searching...searching...for something that they will never find. I always find myself wondering if I am looking at myself in the near future. God...to be hated by others like that! What a terrible and lingering death sentence that would be! Their only saving grace is that their minds are usually too far gone for them to even realize how much they are hated by the other residents.

Oh..by the way, everyone I spoke to about those beautiful trees said the same thing to me. They had never remembered them being there before. It is as though they just appeared. Perhaps they are paying homage in some mysterious way to my beautiful mother. At least that is how I will think of them every time I gaze upon their graceful beauty.

4-28-04

Not much to write about lately. Still am in the midst of my plumbing nightmare and I can't help but wonder at this point whether or not I am ever going to get this job finished.

I went to the home yesterday to visit Madlyn. I am finding it more and more difficult for me to go to the home lately. I cannot pinpoint just why that is but I just have to make a real effort to go any more. It seems as though something is pulling me away from there. However, I love Madlyn very much and to not go back and visit any more would hurt her deeply. Once I get there I am alright and have an enjoyable time, but it is just soo hard to get up and go there any more.

5-2-04

I have been having some terrible and odd dreams these past couple of nights. The other night I had a dream that someone had sent me a video tape. When I put it into my VCR, I was horrified to see close-up photos of my mother laying on a slab in the morgue. Her eyes were wide open, and one horrific photo after another came into view...click...click...click...and nothing I could do would stop the tape from clicking to the next photo. I have never ever had a dream as terrible and sickening as that dream! I can still see those photos in front of my face...

Then last night I had a dream where both of my dead parents were in it with me, and I was on the phone talking to all of my dead relatives...relatives I have not even thought about in years. They were so happy to hear from me, and I felt so content because I was surrounded by all those who have gone before me. What do these dreams mean? Are the dead coming back to haunt me or are they preparing me for the final journey in my life?

5-7-04

I spent most of the day today at the nursing home visiting Madlyn. I wanted to celebrate an early mother's day with her and brought her a couple of gifts and a small cake for the both of us to share. As usual, we had a wonderful visit. When I got there I was surprised to see that the home was having a special mother's day tea and entertainment celebration while I was there and it made me very very sad. Thankfully, Madlyn wanted just to spend the time in her room. I did take a peek at the crowded room and I felt so lost and sad, as I looked around at all those still lucky enough to have their mothers with them.

When I bought Madlyn her card and gifts today I could not help but feel like I was betraying my mother. I looked at the mother's day cards and longed to be able to buy one for her, and instead, I was buying a mother's day card for someone else. Does she hate me? Is she jealous? God..I hope not...she was my one and only mother. Without Madlyn, however, I know that I would not be able to get through this terrible grief and emptiness.

I am still continuing to get lost. Today I got lost going to the nursing home. Once again, none of the streets looked familiar to me and I thought that I would never get there. Also, I am still having difficulty communicating with people. Am I truly on the same path as my mom?

The terrible eerie dreams also are continuing to haunt me. The other night I had a dream where mom and I were in our old house and someone set it on fire. We could hear them talking outside our door as they set the fire, and then all of a sudden, our home went up in flames. It was soo real, that I could feel the heat, smell the smoke, and my skin was burning. I told mom that it would be ok and that she should not be afraid. We both knew we were going to die in our home, and I told her to just let go, and that once we dealt with the pain from the flames, our spirts would just begin to leave our bodies and it would be all over soon. Not only could I feel my body burning, but I could also feel myself leaving my body in this dream. Of course I woke up suddenly, and once again I wondered why am I having these dreams? Why do I have to keep waking up from them? Why do I keep waking up?

5-8-04

The weird dreams continue. Last night I had a dream that I was having a heart attack or stroke and knew it and was saying goodbye to everyone. The side of my face and my arm felt so tingly that I could feel it. When I woke up I felt the same way and wondered whether or not I was still in my dream. I must have been because I am still among the living.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Oh how I miss you mom! I wish that I was up in heaven with you. I love you so much...

5-19-04

I have been too depressed to write much lately. Not only is the job search still going nowhere, but I have found out that the plumber I had been using is moving to Florida. He has not been back in almost seven weeks, and when I called him a couple of days ago he told me about the move. I do not expect him to come back here and finish anything, so I will be left with most of my plumbing unfinished, and no money to call in a plumbing company to finish his mess. Why did I have faith in this man? I am not naive, but I truly believed him when he told me I could use him in his off time and he would replumb my entire house and that I could pay him so much at a time. How can this be? How can I be back to where I was this time last year facing another disaster? Why am I damned every which way I turn to try to keep a roof over my head? I cannot take this any more...

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