My Journal~Running Scared~Page Twelve

5-28-04

Not much going on in my life. Still am in the midst of my plumbing disaster, hoping that by some miracle the plumber will actually return to finish his work before he leaves for Florida. However, I am not one to believe in miracles or have faith in promises any more.

Our weather remains violent. I have never seen such terrible storms as we have had recently. Although they did not officially call it a tornado, there was no doubt in my mind that the horrific storm that passed through here last week was one, indeed. And the sky... the sky...I cannot even explain it to you. It is not even a sky any more. Instead, what we have is like a sky that I have seen in movies about the end of the world. It is ever so omninous...ever so foreboding...Makes me wonder if the end is not too far away. With all of the wars, the violence, the sickness, and now these terrible storms and floods. Makes me think of all that the Bible says about the end of time. Will the sky open up one day? Will the dead rise from their graves? Is the end upon us?

6-12-04

I spent part of the day at the nursing home visiting with Madlyn. As I was getting ready to leave, one of the head nurses told me that she thought it was so nice that I still come back to visit her. I told her that I am always amazed when people never come back again after their loved one dies. I could never just walk away from those left behind because to me, they still are my extended family.

Yesterday I spent most of the day and evening watching President Reagen's funeral services. It was a very emotional time for me, because mom loved him so much and felt a true kinship with him because he, too, had her disease. I have always admired him and his wife for telling the nation that he had Alzheimer's. I felt as though his funeral was a funeral for all those who went before him and who will leave this world long after him. However, for most of them, they will never leave this earth with such glory and fanfare, and many will have no one who will even remember that they ever lived on this earth...

6-23-04

Not much new going on around here. My plumbing is still not finished and I have still not found a job. I have been very sick the past few days and I guess that the stress is finally aggravating some chronic health problems of mine.

I have really been missing mom lately. I would give anything if I could just have her hold me one more time. She was always there for me through the good and the bad. I especially miss her tender touch when I am sick... I miss you soo much, mom...

7-9-04

I have been feeling terribly guilty lately because I have not felt well enough to sit at my computer and work on mom's site. There are soo many more pages that I should have added by now, but I just have not been able to do much of anything lately due to my health.

Still no good news about any job prospects and my plumbing still remains unfinished. The stress of all of this is getting to me more and more with each passing day.

I spent part of yesterday at the nursing home and had a nice visit with Madlyn. It still is very difficult for me lately to even bring myself to go inside of the home. When I walked inside the doors yesterday the scent of mom just came over me soo intensely that I thought I was going to faint. It was as though she was sitting close by the entranceway like she used to sit in the hallway but she was no longer there and that made me feel soo empty and alone...

7-20-04

It has been a real struggle trying to get all of mom's photo pages up on her site. I cannot sit here that long at the computer any more due to my health problems so I try my best to get as much as possible done every day. There still are alot more pages to be put up. I want everyone to know that there was a person who lived and loved and was beautiful. I do not want mom to only be remembered for what she became and looked like at the end of her life.

I had such a real dream early this morning about mom dying and I was with her and dying right along with her. I woke up screaming, "Mama..mama...!!" Mom was shouting to her mother in the dream as if she was seeing her mother as she was dying, and I was shouting for my mother. What an odd dream.

I went to visit Madlyn at the home today and she told me that she had been feeling depressed lately because she has this strong feeling that she does not have much time left to live. I could tell there was so much she wanted to say to me but neither one of us could find the words. I shudder to think of how I will feel when she, too, is gone from my life.

8-11-04

I have not had much to write about in my journal lately. It will soon be September and nothing has gotten better here. My plumbing is still unfinished, I am still without a job, and my money is rapidly vanishing. I just wish that mom was still alive so that I could go and visit her. Just feeling her next to me would make my world alright...

9-5-04

It is soo hard to believe that tomorrow is Labor Day. I have not written in my journal much lately because things are no better in my life and I am tired of writing about "poor me" and my "tales of woe." This site is dedicated to my mom and to helping others like her, and I do not want to turn it into a soap opera about me....

10-8-04

Nothing much going on around here. My life remains at a standstill. Still no job and the plumbing unfinished in my home as winter fast approaches. I miss mom so very much....

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