My Journal~Running Scared~Page Thirteen

11-2-04

Yesterday was my 52nd birthday. I spent part of the day at the nursing home visiting with Madlyn and the others. Madlyn felt badly because she did not buy me a cake or a card and had only bought me a can of pop and a small bag of chips. I had to try and make her understand that she had given me the greatest birthday gift of all....her being a part of my life. I know that the day will come when I will have to say goodbye to her as well, and I am dreading that. We have made plans to spend another Thanksgiving day together at the home.

The home is having another episode where the residents are dying one after another. It is an exact repeat of the year that mom died...even going on at the same time. Every time I go I find more of my dear friends either dead or on the way to Heaven. Someone once called the home "Heaven's Waiting Room" and they could not have been more right. Even the lady who moved into mom's room the day after mom died recently passed away. No sooner does one die that another comes to take their place. I feel soo sad inside because these wonderful people have become my extended family and I grieve deeply for their loss.

No luck on the job front here and the money continues to dwindle. My plumbing remains unfinished and the furnace is still acting up like last year. It never ends, but I continue to try and get through each day. It is hard to believe that the holidays will soon be here. I will be glad when they are over since I cannot take the constant talk about families during the holiday season. No wonder there is so much depression during the holidays...

Soon it will be two years since mom left this earth. I still cannot believe that she is gone, and am astounded at how quickly the time has passed away. I miss her so much and hold her close deep within each and every day of my life.

11-27-04

I spent Thanksgiving again at the nursing home with Madlyn and the others. As usual, I had a wonderful time. I still find it soo hard to believe that so many are left behind to spend holidays all alone.

The death toll continues to grow rapidly at the home and no doubt the worst is yet to come, since they have not even been able to get any flu shots for the residents so far this year. It is so hard to believe that in a few months it will be two years since mom died there.

12-04-04

Tomorrow is the nursing home's annual Christmas party. I am hoping to attend as I have every year since mom lived there. There are so few of my friends left, and I cherish each and every moment I can spend with them.

I have been working feverishly on an online graphic's business site. I hope to have it up and running no later than shortly after the first of the year. I am not counting on making a ton of money from it, but I hope and pray that it will at least be successful enough to help me pay some of these bills. With no job as yet, I don't know how I will ever make it through the winter with the high bills if I don't start to bring in some money. I am trying so hard not to panic as I watch my bank account rapidly drain down to nothing.

PLEASE GOD...PLEASE...HELP ME!!

Christmas 2004

Merry Chirstmas, mom! It is so hard to believe that this is my second Christmas without you. I hope that you are happy up in Heaven and ever so safe.

This has been anything but a Christmas for me. Despair continues to run rampant in my life no matter how hard I try. Then yesterday I thought that I was saving the life of a starving pit bull by calling the Michigan Humane Society to pick him up only to learn hours later that they had a policy of euthanizing all pit bulls. They neglected to tell me this when they rescued him. My intention was to help save his life and possibly place him with a family and not to sentence him to death. I am just sick about this. I will never forget the despair in his eyes. How too well I can relate to that...

01-22-05

As you can see, this is my very first entry for the New Year. I wish that I could say that it has started off much better than last year, however, it has started off much much worse.

The furnace continues to go crazy during this frigid weather and not even the gas company can find out what is causing the furnace thermometer on the wall in mom's apartment to go backwards instead of forwards at times, causing the furnace to keep coming on. Some of the techs seriously seem to think that someting unworldly is going on down there...

I have given up completely on seeing that plumber ever return here and I am still without hot water or much of any type of water in my apartment. Everything is unfinished here..I have accomplished nothing...

Absolutely no luck on the job front and the money is just about gone. These winter heating bills will eat up most of what is left. How much longer can I survive?

I have started my own online graphic's business which I have up on two sites right now. I hope and pray that I will be able to make at least a few dollars from one of them to tide me over. I am running out of hope and energy...

Next month will be the second anniversary of mom's death. I cannot believe how quickly the time is passing. Just recently I attended funeral services for a dear elderly friend of mine and I almost lost my composure. It was the first time I had attended any type of service since mom's death. When I stood up to give my small eulogy my heart started to pound so quickly that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Every time someone said the word "mother" I started to cry. Time is easing some of the pain and grief but there is still a long long way to go...

02-20-05

I cannot believe that tomorrow will be the second anniversary of mom's death! How could I have survived two long years without her presence in my life? She has to be deep within me helping me get through each and every single day...

I went back to the job I lost almost two and a half years ago last Thursday. I was shocked to be asked back but just found out that the building is going to be sold before too long and then the business will be moved far away from where I live. I am hoping that the move will not be for awhile so I can at least get somewhat back on my feet. Although I worked everyday last week, I will be going back to my three day a week schedule next week.

I hope that I can get my thermostat moved as soon as I can save up some money. I am so tired of having to shut the furnace off due to the fact that the thermostat is not registering the proper heat because it is on a very cold wall. I still am without most of my plumbing as well and hope that this job will stick around long enough so that I can get another plumber in to finish the job. I have been without hot water upstairs since last April. I am just soo grateful to be working again.

Unlike last year when I was home alone on mom's first anniversary of her death, I will be working on her second anniversary tomorrow. It will help to be busy but I still will know what day it is. I know that when I get back home here it will be very difficult as well as early tomorrow morning around the time that she died two years ago.

04-09-05

I cannot believe how quickly the time is going by! Thankfully I continue to have a job, so that makes the days go by even quicker. Soon another Mother's Day will be here..another difficult day to get through.

I have had very little time to spend at the nursing home lately. Between being sick and working full time and very long hours, I have not been able to get to see Madlyn for probably close to a month now. I miss her and all of the rest of my beloved friends so very much and hope that I can get back there really soon.

A special thank you to "Jackie" for sending me the beautiful card and warm words of comfort pertaining to the upcoming Mother's Day. I shall never forget you for this kind gesture...

05-29-05

The nightmare called my LIFE continues. I will more than likely be without a job once again in a month or so. The building I currently work in will soon be sold and the business will be moved about an hour away from me. I cannot make such a long commute with my old car so I will be once again unemployed. This time it will be even worse, however, as I have no savings left to live on. I had such hopes and plans for getting back on my feet and for finally being able to finish fixing up mom's home. Once again I face devastation. God...my God...when will this ever end???

I have been missing mom more than ever lately. Yesterday I went to the nursing home after not having been there for about a month. It is getting more difficult for me to walk through those doors. How can that be? Isn't time supposed to ease the pain?

10-25-05

I cannot believe that so many months have gone by since I last wrote in my journal. I am barely hanging onto my job and it has gotten so bad that I am working in a freezing cold warehouse with no heat. I am so insecure since I do not know what is going to happen with the business. The move has been postponed for awhile. I hope I can tolerate working in such frigid conditions without getting pneumonia. I am soo tired...so tired...it is becoming more and more of a struggle to get up each and every day. I see no purpose in it any more. It just gets worse and worse with each passing day. The harder I try, the worse my life gets.

In a few more days I will be 53. I miss mom more and more with each passing day. I feel more and more alone on this earth...so very empty.

Wish I could go to the nursing home more than just once a month. I hope to be able to go this coming Saturday. So many of my dear friends have died. I shudder to think that one of these days Madeline will no longer be there. I am looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with her if I have not gotten sick by then. It will be our third Thanksgiving together and it has become a very special "tradition" for us. It is one of the few things that I have to look forward to any more....

2-6-06

Hard to believe that this is my first entry of a brand new year. The holidays were especially brutal for me this year. Not only was it not the same because of mom no longer being here, but I ended a long-term relationship. The latter was extremely painful because there was no warning that this was about to take place. One phone call and suddenly you find out that you have been replaced. It makes it even worse when your "replacement" is someone that has absolutely no morals or standards.

Thankfully, I still have my job. All I do is go to work and to sleep. There is just nothing else in my life any more.

In just a matter of days it will be the third anniversary of mom's death. How can three years have gone by already? Why am I still here? Why am I still here?

5-13-06

I feel so badly because I have not had much time lately to work on this site. I feel as though I am neglecting mom. It is hard to believe that it is 2006 already and that tomorrow will be Mother's Day again.

Not much new in my life except that I am back again to fearing that my job may be gone in a few months. I had just started getting my plumbing finished and now this. I am soo sick and tired of all of this! That is why I have not even written in my journal for so long. Who wants to read about someone's depression in most every entry?

Oh mom, I wish that I were with you...

10-31-06

It has been ages since I last wrote anything. I just got sick of whining over and over again about how miserable life is....especially since I lost mom. Tomorrow is my 54th b/d. Hard to believe I am that old.

Thank God I still have my job and am managing to hold on to what I have....barely...but I have not lost it all yet.

Mom...remember how you always told me that there is someone out there for everyone....and when you met them you would just know they are the "right one"? Well..I have finally met him. His name is Mark and he came into my life in early Sept. when I felt I could not go on any longer. He loves me, cares for me, respects me, nutures my body, spirit, my mind. When I am sick he tenderly takes care of me the way you used to, mom. For the first time in my life I feel totally complete.....I feel safe....and ever so loved. Only you have ever made me feel the way that this man does. I have been so lost without you. I have to believe that you sent this angel to me from Heaven to keep me safe and happy until you and I meet again. I am no longer lost mommy...I have finally found my way back home.

2-20-07

Dearest mother of mine, I simply cannot believe that it will be 4 years tomorrow since I was with you when you took your last breath. How can that be? It feels like just yesterday! Although time has passed the pain is just as great. Life goes on but it will never be the same. There will always be that empty void that only you could ever fill.

I love you with ever breath in my body, mom. One day....one day...we shall be together again.

3-13-07

Beloved mother of mine it hard to believe that in a couple of days it will be your birthday once again. Four long years without you in my life.

Got some shocking news job wise a few days ago. Once again my job is on the line...this time it looks like it will soon be over for good. I have only been back for 2 years and a major cutback is about to end all that I have struggled so hard to hold onto. I am numb. I am in shock. I cannot take this any more. I cannot take this any more. It is never going to end.

I love you and miss you mom. Happy birthday to you on the 15th. I wish that I was there with you.

12-12-07

Life has been simply awful for most of this year. I lost my job again in March due to another lay-off and then shortly afterwards Madlyn passed away. At least I was able to say my goodbyes to her the day before she died. I have not made it back to the nursing home since her death. God....everyone is gone....life is full circle again.....worrying about how I will pay my bills and keep my house....it never ends...I miss you soo much mom!

3-17-08

I hope that you had a peaceful birthday on Friday the 15th up in Heaven mom. You are sooo dearly missed. There is not one day that goes by when I don't wish that you were still here with me. I love you with all of my heart--for always.

5-8-08

Dearest Mom...I cannot believe that another Mother's Day is upon us already...the 5th one since you left this world. I still cannot bear to listen to all of the Mother's Day ads on the radio nor watch them on tv. I feel soo empty inside without you. I thought that the years would lessen most of the pain but it is still there...still there...still there.

I finally gathered up enough courage to go back to the nursing home since Madlyn died. Things are so different there. Those I once knew are already gone or no longer know me. This makes me feel even worse inside. I miss the feeling of having a "home." I miss you...and will forever love you.

9-19-08

Oh mom I feel soo awful about not having been able to replace all of the missing images and music on your pages yet. I feel soo guilty...as tho I have abandoned you or forgotten about you but nothing could be further from the truth!

I just am soo distraught with no job....money running out...and non-stop bad luck hitting me once again from all sides. I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I try and try my best and things just keep getting worse.

Oh how I wish that I could just hold you again...to feel the comfort and love that only you are capable of giving me! I am soo lost mom....soooo lost.....I love you...that is the only constant in my life.

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