My Journal~Running Scared~Page Two
10-07-03
The last few days have been a mixture of emotions for me. Some of them have been happy and some of them have been sad. The move gets closer
with each passing day and things have been very hectic around here. Tomorrrow I may go and change my address on my driver's license. That will be a big step for me because I
will be admitting to myself that I, indeed, am going to be leaving this house.
On Sunday I spent part of the day at the nursing home. I always love it there and cannot wait until I get inside the doors. People think I am crazy
when I say that once I am inside I feel safe. I am not sure why that is but that is how I feel. Perhaps it is because mom spent the last two years of her life there and
I still can sense her spirit there. I also feel as though the residents are my extended family and that gives me great comfort and peace.
I have become very close to one of the residents there whose name is Madlyn. We are so much alike in so many ways, and she understands my feelings about not
wanting to move from my home. She had to give up her home and just like me, she still longs for what was. Her home was falling apart around her much like mine is, yet she still
tried her best to remain there. Just like me, she was not ready or willing to say goodbye. However, some serious health problems made the decision for her.
Recently she has begun to stay in her room again. She admitted that she feels afraid when she leaves it and has been getting panic attacks. I told her that is exactly
how I have been feeling lately. I told her we should make a deal with each other. If she starts coming out of her room again, then I will just have to give in and make
the dreaded move. We both laughed, but deep inside I know that she is as afraid as I am.
The nursing home is all decorated for the Halloween season and the residents are enjoying their Halloween related festivities. I cannot believe that it
will soon be a year since my mom donned that Winnie the Pooh Tigger costume hat for the annual Halloween party. It just seems like yesterday when I found her among
all the residents that day, head down as she was dozing at the table, tiny Tigger ears sticking straight up in the air. I shall never forget just how adorable
she looked and how she smiled when she saw what she looked like in my mirror.
It always saddens me to see so many of my friends there getting sicker and weaker each time I come to visit. I never know if when I leave I will be saying
my last goodbye to them as I did with my mom. For some the road to the end of their journey will be a long, painful one. I am grateful that the end for mom was
very quick and very peaceful. I wish the same for each and everyone in the nursing home. It breaks my heart because I can do nothing to ease
their pain. I hope with all my heart that my meager visits will at least let them know that they are loved by me.
When I go to visit I cannot seem to take my eyes off of those who have Alzheimer's. I do not make my staring obvious to them, but I just cannot help
myself. They are in so many different stages of this dreaded disease and no two are alike. You can always pick them out of the crowd though, because they
are the ones who look so very lost. They have no idea where their room is or even where they are. So many are crying out for loved ones that are no longer there and
you can sense the fear and terrible loneliness that they feel. They all have the same "dead eyed" look upon their faces. Their faces are forever frozen in a mask
of emptiness and despair. Alzheimer's has taken the life out of their once sparkling eyes and has indeed, turned them into the "walking dead." May God have mercy on them
and one day take them to Heaven to be with Him. There they can sing and dance and laugh again and will no longer be afraid...
10-10-03
It is almost midnite and I have really admitted to myself the past couple of days that the move is definitely going to be taking place. Yesterday I went and changed my address on my driver's license and at the bank, and today I called the phone company for phone service next week at the new house. Oh yes...I have done what has needed to be done. I have been a good girl and have taken care of just about all of the last minute details. However, I am sitting here now in pure panic-stricken terror realizing that this is the last weekend I shall ever spend in my home....
All I want to do right now is crawl into a small space somewhere and hide...Oh mommy where are you??? Your little girl is ever soooo afraid!!!
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