My Journal~Running Scared~Page Three
10-12-03
Once again it is in the wee hours of the morning and I am still wide awake. I cannot seem to sleep any more and when sleep does come, I find myself having nightmares. I am once again back to dreaming
about being lost or running from someone or something. It really is true that your dreams can tell alot about you.
About five pm yesterday I got soo depressed and had such a terrible panic attack that I decided to jump into my car and pay a visit to Madlyn
at the nursing home. She was not expecting me so late in the day and I hoped that she would be awake when I got there. I knew that the moment I walked inside
I would immediately feel at peace, and once again I did. I ended up staying with her until about ten thirty and got back home at about eleven.
She was just as happy to see me as I was to see her. What is it about her that makes me feel soo safe?
It did not strike me until I left the home tonight that the reason I feel so safe when I walk into the home is because I guess that I have somehow
come to think of her as a surrogate mother. I had not even realized this and it made me feel very guilty. I never ever want to replace my mother in my heart
and no one will ever be able to do that. I looked up to the heavens and begged my mother to forgive me if she felt that I was loving someone else as much as her because
that was not the case.
At first mom was extremely jealous of Madlyn coming into our lives. One day when I was not there she shouted out at Madlyn that she had
better stay away from her daughter because she knew that she wanted to kill me. I am not sure if that is what mom was really trying to say to Madlyn, but I know that she
was very jealous of her. I tried to assure her that she was just my friend and that she came to keep me company because she was lonely and needed some company, too.
I could tell that mom still did not like her being around. However, in time it seemed as though mom came to accept her being "our" friend. Perhaps it was because mom was
drifting away from this world more and more and no longer really cared to talk or visit. Sometimes I think that she was happy that I had made a friend who would be
there for me when she was gone.
Shortly after mom died Madlyn told me that she had a dream in which mom appeared to her and told her that she was happy that she was my friend
and that she wanted her to look after me. Madlyn said it was so real that when she woke up she fully expected mom to be in the room with her. I would like
to think that mom really did come to her in that dream. Perhaps she is still with me in spirit through Madlyn. However, I have to keep telling myself that
Madlyn is 80 years old and in very bad health. One day I will show up and she will be gone and I will have to grieve all over again. However, until that day comes,
I will be there sharing my life with her and so thankful that she came into my life. Her daughters are very jealous of me and it amazes me that they feel this way
since they rarely spend any time with this beautiful woman. They should thank God that she is still in their lives. I would have given anything in this world
if mom would have been there when I walked into the home today. They have no idea just how lucky they are...
10-12-03
It is almost eleven at nite and it looks like I am in for another nite without much sleep. Something soo strange took place while I was sleeping this morning. I suddenly felt this wonderful sense of peace and was no longer afraid of moving! Then it dawned on me (while still sleeping) that if I am feeling so incredibly peaceful that I must have died in my sleep! I saw my parents and some of my animals and I felt soo happy! Of course, when I woke up I realized it was all a dream. I wonder if I will ever go back to that peaceful place one day?
Every nite I look at your photo
And beg you to come and get me
And every morning I wake up
Realizing you never heard my plea
Daylight blinds me
And I want to run and hide
All I want to do is join you
Ever since the day you died
Life goes on without you
The world does not even care
However the sorrow I feel
Has become too great to bear
Where once was my heart
There now is an empty space
For you took it along with you
When you went to that heavenly place
Why am I still here?
And why does life go on?
How can I live without you?
When your gentle touch is what I long!
Copyright 2003 Ellen Bryant
10-21-03
The move took place on Saturday but there has been a major change in plans. I have realized that I just cannot let go of my home and have made arrangements with a roofer to get my roof done ASAP and to move back home. Sure the house needs other repairs, but that is where my heart remains. I am so sick and tired of listening to people give me advice...
The roof will drain me of most of my savings so I will be living on the edge until I can get back to work. I do not know if I have the strength to move again as I cannot even locate all of my things in this new home I am sharing with a friend. I feel as though I am in limbo and I just want it all to end.
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