My Journal~Running Scared~Page Four
10-28-03
I am waiting for the roofer to finish his last job so that he can begin work on my home.
Our weather has been very rainy ever since I moved, but we are expecting a few nice days this week.
I just want to get the job started and hope and pray that things are not much worse once the work begins.
I am just anxious...very anxious to get this job completed before winter sets in.
I have been back to the house numerous times since I moved, to check on things.
The house seems so sad and so quiet. I found myself hugging my walls and promising my home that I was
going to do my very best to try and save it. Does that sound crazy? Not too many people talk to walls, of course.
To me, however, this house has a spirit...mom's spirit. I guess I was talking to her, in some small way.
Although I was unable to save my mom from her fate, I still have some control over the fate of my home.
I can either choose to let it crumble to the ground, or I can take what money I have and do my best
to try and repair it. This is one time that I have control over the situation and I intend to try and
save this part of my mother's life for her and for me.
11-05-03
The roofer just completed my new roof today and I am back at my friend's house until I can get everything arranged for my move back home. I got the call last Wednesday that he was able to get my roof done, and it has turned out absolutely beautiful! I will always remember the birthday that I gave myself a new roof and saved my home...
Of course, I have depleted most all of my savings and will have to hope and pray
that nothing major goes wrong until I can get another job and build up my bank account.
But what a wonderful feeling to know that I saved mom's home and my home as well! I hope that she is looking down from heaven and smiling at the house she loved so much.
11-10-03
I am planning to make the move back home this coming Saturday. I have been very busy going back and forth to the house cleaning and checking up on things. I still cannot believe that my house now has such a beautiful roof! I cannot wait until I am able to afford to continue with the improvements.
I feel sad that I am leaving my friend's home because we both had hoped that I would feel very comfortable here and that this would be a new start for me. I am sad because I know that she put in alot of effort trying to make this feel like home to me but my heart will always belong to the home I shared with my mom....
11-14-03
Well, tomorrow is the big day. I am moving back home! I went by the house today and brought some more of my things back and also brought mom back home. This is the first time we have been separated since her death, and for some reason I just felt that I could now leave her there in her home because that is where she longs to be.
I am soo tired, and I hope that I get to at least catch my breath before the next disaster hits in my life. We were struck by two days of terrible winds and I was so afraid that I would once again lose my roof. Thank God it held up beautifully. I wonder where my journey in life will take me next??...
11-22-03
I have been back home for exactly one week now and I am just as miserable as when I moved out of it. I am shocked that I am feeling this way, but moving back did not provide me with the comfort I was so desperately seeking.
The holidays are upon us and I dread going into a store now. There is no mother left to buy beautiful presents for. There is absolutely no joy in my heart any more. I just wish I was inside that tiny bronze box with her!
I guess that I really did not need to actually move back here. What I did need to do was to save the home I shared with my mother and I did just that. However, I feel like I belong no where any more. Not even moving back has filled my heart with joy. I am doubting that I shall ever find that kind of peace and happiness in my life again..
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