My Journal~Running Scared~Page Five
11-28-03
Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day and it was my first major holiday without my
beloved mother. I spent the entire day at the nursing home. Madlyn had invited me to come
and share dinner with her and I arrived at about eleven thirty am and stayed until nine pm.
So many of the staff were there and they knew that my heart was aching deep inside although
I tried not to show it. Their comforting words of support and hugs helped me ever so much.
I found myself looking with envy at all of the families who still had their loved ones
to visit. I wondered in my heart if they knew how truly lucky they were to still have them in their
lives, or if they felt that coming to visit them was merely an "obligation" rather than a "privilege".One of mom's nurses came up to me and told me that she is going to be giving me
the Tigger hat that she put on mom on Halloween a couple of years ago. She said that she could not
even put it on another resident this year for their Halloween party because there will never
ever be another Mary, and never ever another Tigger. I cannot even begin to tell you how much
that meant to me. It does my heart sooo much good when I still hear how much my mom is still
loved and missed by all those who dedicated their lives to helping care for her. She still lives on
within their hearts and that makes me feel so wonderful.
12-09-03
Christmas is almost upon us and it is soo hard for me to believe that it will be the first anniversary of mom's death in a little over two months. Why does the world still go on? I truly feel that without this web site the memory of my mother would have been totally forgotten by most everyone by now...
I went to the home yesterday and they now have just about all of their holiday decorations up. Although the facility looks quite lovely, for some reason it just does not look as festive to me. Perhaps it is because mom is gone and my heart is just not in a holiday mood this year. Also, this time last year was when the horrible death toll set upon the facility. We lost somewhat like 23 residents, including mom, in a very very short time.
People might call me crazy, but I can still see them walking down the halls. I can feel their presence right next to me when I visit, and in my heart and soul, I know that altho their physical bodies are no longer in view, their spirits come to visit with me and I can feel their warmth.
Oh how I long to be able to reach out and hug their tiny, crippled bodies! Their warm embraces and loving kisses upon my face were a gift of love that filled my heart with such great joy! They knew that I truly loved and cared about all of them and that they had become a part of my family. As a result, they are missed like family. I just hope they are up in heaven with mom having their own special holiday celebration.
Next Sunday is the home's Xmas open house. The wonderful Elvis impersonator will be there, and I am going to go and share in the festivities with Madlyn. I can still remember my forcing mom to go with me last year and then chastising her and calling her ungrateful because she did not even appreciate my being there and trying to help her have fun.
I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive myself for moments like that? I should have realized that all the noise and the crowd truly frightened her and that she did not want to be in that room. Instead, I was selfish for trying to force her to be somewhere that she did not want to be. I had no right trying to tell her to join in the festivities, and I wonder just how many
Alzheimer's patients will be enduring the same this year...I wonder how many families will be forcing them to endure parties and such that they want them to attend, rather than allowing them to be in places that only they feel safe and comfortable in??
How many poor and frightened souls will be in crowded rooms too afraid to truly enjoy the festivities around them??
Madlyn said something quite profound to me yesterday. She said that she realized something as she worked upstairs at the resident store the other day. The second floor is where the worst cases of dementia and such reside, and the floor can often seem like a terrible insane asylum..people screaming..crying...cackling....It can be quite a shock when you get off the elevator...Any how, what she said was that there was no doubt in her mind that the Alzheimer's residents truly understood one another altho the rest of the residents had no clue as to what they were saying. She said that they will answer one another and have conversations with each other that sound like gibberish but which seem to give each other great comfort. She also told me that they will often interpret what one of them is trying to convey to her. Sometimes they will go into the store and Madlyn has no idea just what they want to buy, and then another one who can talk a bit better will tell her exactly what they were trying to ask for and they always..always..get it right. She said that really made her believe that they do understand one another. That would really be a blessing if that was, indeed, the case.
Once again all of the holiday "phoney" visitors are filling the home. These are the people who often pull the residents out for a day or two each year and then at the end of the day they literally push them out of their vehicles...their bodies tired...their diapers soaked...eager to get rid of them for another year. They seem not to realize..or if they do, they have no regard as to how cruel their actions are. They take them back out into the world and into their homes and then bring them back and leave them for another year. They upset their routines and make them feel agitated and sad. I truly believe these families are not bringing them home because they want to make the residents happy. I believe they do this, perhaps, so that they can say that at least they took them home for the holidays. Sometimes with Alzheimer's patients it is best not to disrupt their routines.
Like with my mom..I never ever took her back home.
For the most part the nursing home became her true home and she felt safe there. The few times she had to leave to go in their van to a doctor's appointment she was soo afraid. I can still remember her asking me one time in the E.R. shortly before her death, if they would be done soon so that she could go back "home." A couple of weeks later she died. Oh mommy, I guess that you truly are back "home" now.....
12-24-03
I have been ill for the past few days but have continued to work feverishly on redoing most of mom's web site.
What can you give your mother for Christmas when she is up in Heaven? Mommy...this is my gift of love to you....Merry Christmas...I miss you sooo much..!!!!
bravenet.com
