My Journal~Running Scared~Page Six
Christmas Eve 2003
It is about eight thirty pm on Christmas Eve. It has been a very difficult day for
me. I spent most of the day at the nursing home visiting Madlyn and left about six pm when one
of her daughters showed up. That is when I get my "wake up" jolt....reminding me that this
beautiful woman is not my mother but someone elses....
I had a lovely time there as usual. However, for some reason, it was much more
difficult for me tonite than it was being there on Thanksgiving. I felt mom's spirit so very
much inside of the home. I also felt the spirits of all those that are no longer there. I stood
in the hallway and remembered how festive it was there last year when we were all out in the
hall, laughing and visiting with one another. Now they are all gone....every single one of
them...
I had several offers to spend Xmas Eve with my friends but I knew in my heart that
where I wanted to be was there at the home. One of my dear friends there, Katie, is now in the
hospice room dying. I had just seen her a week ago and knew that she had an incurable disease
but I was not prepared for what I saw when I saw her today. At first there was a son by her side
and she was sleeping. I barely recognized her. He was very very rude to me so I left the room
quickly. However, I was able to get to visit with her for a few moments before I left. She can
no longer hold her head up and can only whisper, but she was soo happy to see me. I gave her a
kiss and told her Merry Xmas and that I loved her and that I would be back again. She tried to
hug me and blew me kisses back as we always do to one another, but I think we both knew that we would never see one another again....
Tonite would have been mom's 57th wedding anniversary. I wonder if she is happy in
heaven, perhaps with my father by her side...When I got back home I looked up into the star lit
Xmas Eve sky and blew her a big kiss....Merry Xmas mom....I miss you...I wish I was up there with
you...
12-28-03
Well, my first Christmas without mom has quickly passed. I did not go anywhere Christmas day and spent most of the time working on the new changes to mom's website. Thank God for the site...It has been a true godsend...helping me keep my sanity.
Soon it will be a new year and shortly, thereafter, the first anniversary of mom's death. I am dreading that fateful day so very much. It seems just like yesterday that I got the phone call telling me mom was dying. I cannot believe that a year has almost gone by already. Life does go on even when your world has crumbled around you...
New Year's Eve 2003
It is hard to believe that soon a brand new year will be upon us. This time last year I was sitting in the hall with mom and the others on New Year's Eve. I had brought some silly things with me, such as hats, noise makers, etc. Mom wanted nothing to do with any of them. If I can remember correctly, she slept most of the time. I guess she was really in the active process of dying then and I had no idea. In less than two months she would be gone...
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