My Journal~Running Scared~Page Seven
1-06-04~Memorial Service at Nursing Home~
Today was a very difficult day for me to get through. The nursing home held a memorial
service to remember all of those who passed away last year. Since mom was cremated and
did not have a service of any type, this was the first time I actually was part of a
memorial service for her. Altho there were probably 90 people who were remembered, it
was as though, at times, her name was the only one that I heard being read.
I woke up this morning with a nosebleed, just like the morning that she died.
I can still remember as she lay dying that day, me looking down and seeing blood on her, not even realizing that I was crying and it was coming from my nose. I did not get much sleep last night
and knew the day would be difficult.
The day was also as bitter cold as the day that she died. It was soo eerie. So many things were the same, yet everything was so very different. I wanted nothing better than to just crawl back into bed and pull the covers up over my head, but I was determined to go so that
I could make sure mom was remembered.
I was so disappointed that only a few family members came. How sad! Could their loved ones have been forgotten already? Even if I was still working I would have made sure
that I took a couple hours off to attend. It just made me feel soo sad inside that just like in life, even in death, so many of them were just as forgotten.
It was a very touching service. A hospice minister spoke and led the memorial.
He focused on their deaths as being a "beginning" rather than an "end". A candle was lit at the beginning of the service and then each of their names was read, with a pause after each so family and/or
friends could say something. I tried my best to say something about those I had known who had
no one there for them. When mom's name came I could barely speak. All I could get out was that she was my mom, my best friend, and that I loved her. My heart wanted to say soo much more,
but I felt as though I would choke to death on my words.
The minister read a beautiful poem he had written and then played the theme
song from the movie The Titantic...and that just about did me in. I had already started to
cry way before then and thought I would have to get up and leave. It was as if she had just
died and I was experiencing it all over again. However, it was also good to grieve at such a service, since I had not allowed myself to do that since she died almost a year ago.
At the end of the service we said another prayer and the minister blew out the candle. I cannot explain what that did to me. It was just like when I heard mom take her last breath, and I thought I was going to faint. I got chills all over, and I swear to God that I felt her spirit there along with all of the rest who had died. It was as if they were begging us not to forget them. He said that altho the candle had
gone out, their memories would continue to remain forever and live in our hearts, which is so true. I am determined never ever to let the flame on the candle of what was once mom's life to
ever blow out. I am determined never to let her be forgotten.
This website is like that candle to me. As long as I keep it going and her
memory alive, her flame will never die out. Nor will the flame of the lives of all those Alzheimer's victims before her and after her ever go out. That is my meager gift of love
to all of them...to keep their memories alive and not let their suffering have been in vain.
Oh God...how I miss you mom!!! My heart aches with longing to be with you again..
The worst is yet to come, as next month will be the first anniversary of her death....
1-13-04
I have been having some very strange dreams the
past couple of nights. I have been dreaming that I am already dead and just do not know it. In one dream I was killed in a car accident and then called someone on the phone and they screamed and told me that I was dead. I have no idea what these dreams mean. Perhaps they are all jumbled in with my sleepless nights. Perhaps they have to do with longing to be with mom once again. Maybe I am just so very very tired and long for sleep.
Mom has not appeared in any of these dreams. I never make it past the part of my accident, etc. I always wake up before I find out if there is, indeed, a life after this. Oh mom...where are you??
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