My Journal~Running Scared~ Page Eight
1-14-04
Today has been a simply awful day. It looks like one of my worst
nightmares might be coming true. My furnace has been acting up since two am and we
are in the middle of a blizzard, to make matters worse. When I spent just about all of
my life's savings on my new roof I prayed to God that my old furnace would not give out
on me. I have been up all night and it looks like another sleepless night is in store for me.
In my gut I just know that I am at the end of the line and that the furnace has just about given
out. If that happens then I truly will have lost everything for sure. My job...my mother...and
for the last time...my home...My God....have you no mercy for me any more? When will you make
this all end???
1-18-04
Things continue to get worse around here. The furnace is surely on its' last legs and there is no money left to get
another one. I am soo very afraid, and a deep depression is starting to sink in. Am I asking God too much to be able to keep the home that I have struggled so hard to remain in?
Still no job prospects on the horizon and it will
be two years in August since I suddenly lost my job. How can things just continue to get worse and worse instead of better?
Will there ever be an end to all of this hell??
1-30-04
I must be dead already! I cannot possibly be still alive and living in another nightmare...not so soon after almost losing my house due to needing to replace the roof...
I have not gotten much sleep in days. Things continue to get progressively worse here. Not only do I have furnace problems, but now the plumbing in my home is going. I had a plumber here for over nine hours today and the more he tried to replace the corroded pipes, the quicker new leaks began. Another one of my fears...that the plumbing would go soon.
I feel like I am rapidly losing my mind. Drip..drip...drip....Just like when the water leaks began with my roof. Drip..drip...drip....Only this time it is at a lower level, so far..in my basement...Drip...drip...drip...I cannot
take it any more. Not this...not all over again...
My God...how can this be? I have only been back a little over two months and I spent fourteen thousand dollars on a new roof, and now I will soon need a new furnace at close to seven thousand and probably over seven thousand dollars just to replace some of the pipes. This must be a nightmare! I have to be dead already! God is supposed to be a merciful God..My God..my God....whatever have I done for you to have forsaken me so? All I want is to be able to keep my home. I
have no money left..no job...no family...Please....don't take my home from me, too....
1-31-04
Met with the plumber again today and he told me that he is willing to help me repair my home by letting me pay for the materials a little at a time and paying him a little each week for labor until we get the plumbing done. He also said that he will give me a good price on putting in a new furnace. Although money will be very very tight until I find another job, if it means saving my home, then I will live on stale bread and water.
I almost feel as though I am dreaming. I am
afraid to get my hopes up for fear that this will not come to be. I got lucky with a wonderful roofer and cannot believe that I could have found another angel of mercy. Could this be God telling me that He has not forsaken me after all? Oh God..please..please..I do not have much more of myself to give to you. Please help me...
2-01-04
I knew it! I should have known better than to have ever left my guard down and begin to feel hopeful about my situation. I woke up this morning to the furnace acting up again. If it continues to get worse before the plumbing is done I do not know what I will do, as I have to have more money available to get a new furnace put in.
When I went to start my 19 year old car today it was dead. That would have been the third major thing that could possibly go on me right now. I will now have to pray that it is only a dead battery. Having to repair my car right now will mean I will have to use the money I had planned on giving to the plumber. This is how my life has always been....A brief glimmer of hope...before the avalanche covers me again. It will never ever end....
I am just glad that mom is at peace and safe up in heaven.
2-11-04
Things remain about the same here. I severely injured a finger a few days ago so have not been able to work on mom's site very much since then.
Wow!! Today is the first day that we exceeded our allotted free bandwidth amount--See mom...you are not forgotten!!!
bravenet.com
