My Journal~Running Scared~ Page Nine

2-13-04 "Friday the 13th"

I never knew what it felt like to experience a true "panic attack" until I lost mom ,and I am in the midst of an overwhelming attack as I write in my journal. I have felt it coming on the past few days, especially as the first anniversary of mom's death draws ever so near.

I can remember what mom would say to me every Friday the 13th..."Ellen, don't move..don't go out of the house!" And I, in turn would reply, "Don't worry mom....Every day for me is Friday the 13th..."

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Generally this holiday holds little meaning for me, but I can remember ever so vividly where I was last year on that date. Mom had had a terrible ongoing eye infection and was scheduled to see an eye specialist that morning, and I had made plans to go with her via the nursing home's van. It would be her first time out of the home since another doctor visit around in October. It would also be her first time outside in the winter since she left here...

Mom had always loved the winter and the cold had never bothered her. I was worried that she would be cold, so I bundled her up in enough winter clothing to keep 20 people warm. She was actually stiff and could barely move...ha! However, when the doors opened and she was wheeled outside into the bitter cold she started to shiver, and said that it was freezing outside. My poor mom....even the winter weather she loved so much harmed her now.

I sat in the front of the van and mom was in the back strapped in with her wheelchair. She was terrified of the lift used to get her up into the van and even more terrified of the straps that were needed to secure her safely. I tried my best to assure her that she was ok, as did the wonderful aide who goes along with most all of the patients, but she was still so afraid. I can remember looking back several times during the drive there and telling her that I loved her and that everything was ok. She had a look of absolute terror on her face, even though I had her knit cap pulled down so far on her head that I could barely see her eyes. I will never forget that her nose had been running and it looked as tho she had an icicle on her face. She was too scared to even wipe her nose. That damn Alzheimer's! I will never ever forget those looks of fear on her face...

The eye specialist was a wonderful woman. I had to explain to her that mom would not be able to complete the eye chart exam due to her Alzheimer's. She tried to get her to read it several times, but there was no way that she could even comprehend what she was asking her to do. Mom was so afraid of the chair, even. I had to stand right next to her during the tests, and she started to scream when the chair had to be raised. In her mind the doctor was trying to hurt her very badly. I felt so helpless that I could not make her feel less afraid. My God...I had no idea that a week later she would be dead!

Mom was pretty exhausted by the time we got back to the home but I decided to spend the entire day with her. I had arrived at about eight am and remained with her until she went to bed later in the evening. There was a Valentine's party there that I conned her into attending, and when they gave out the ice cream mom got a big smile on her face. She had always loved ice cream, and this time they had several flavors mixed together. I can still see the look of glee on her face as she licked the spoon and said, "Mmmm good!"

Several times during the day both mom and I told each other what a wonderful day together this had been. We always said things like that to one another, but for some reason, we said it even more that day. I was happy...and she was happy. I can still feel me kissing her soft, warm skin as she sat in the wheelchair next to me in the hall. I always kept my arm around her and sometimes she would tell me to stop hurting her. I had no idea that she was so frail and that even the weight of my tiny arm caused her pain. God...how I miss her!!!

2-18-04

Things continue to remain hectic around here. I have not slept much the past couple of days due to the furnace continuing to act up. I am just soo exhausted and wonder just how much longer I can continue to handle all of this stress. Last night I became quite dizzy and weak and felt as though I was going to black out, and then my nose started to bleed. I have never in my life felt so strange...almost like for a few brief moments I was leaving my body and going to die. I felt so light and so far away. For those few moments I thought that perhaps, I was going to be joining mom before the first anniversary of her death on Saturday...

Yesterday I went and placed an order for a beautiful bouquet of flowers to be sent to the nursing home in honor of mom's memory. They should arrive there today along with a card that I sent, thanking "Station One" for taking such wonderful care of my mom.

Something very eerie took place yesterday on my way back home from the bank. I was going to get my car washed and as I went through my purse looking for some money, I pulled out a dollar bill. Written on the side of the dollar was... "Mary loves you"....except that instead of the word "love" someone had drawn a "heart." I thought that I would faint.... Then I looked at the bill further, and someone had written the words "Mary Ann" also on it. I know that I am reaching out for any sign of mom telling me that she is with me, but this was just too eerie...Altho mom's name was Mary and not Mary Ann, her full name is Mary Patricia Ann....Needless, to say, I have kept that dollar bill...

During the wee hours of this morning as I finally fell to sleep for a brief time, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was in what I "thought" was my home with my mom but I did not recognize all of it. I know that I was very happy, and then as I went through the house I walked into these rooms that were all painted in white and they had thee most beautiful gold strands of embroidery throughout the paint. The rooms glowed with a beautiful bright light, and I shouted for mom to come and see these beautiful rooms. I was soo happy...soo very happy!! Then I woke up. I wonder if there is any meaning to that dream? Was it my vision of heaven? Was she coming to tell me that I will be with her one day soon?

2-21-04~First Anniversary of Mom's Death~

It is twelve seventeen in the morning and mom is here with me. She has been making her presence known for many hours now. I write this with chills up and down my spine for I know that she has come back to let me know that she is right here with me. No...I am not going crazy...She is here...she is in this house...she has come back to be with me.

I may not make it after all to the nursing home today as I had planned. My puppy has become quite ill and I will be taking her to the vet's tomorrow. I don't know if she can be saved. If not, I will be putting her to sleep on the anniversary of mom's death.

Oh mommy...oh mommy...I missed you so much. Thank you for letting me know that you still live within me...

The day is coming to a close and I have managed to get through this because of mom being right here with me. Her loving spirit has caressed my aching heart and made me feel not so alone.

Thank God, the puppy was much better this morning so I was able to spend part of the day at the home. It was very difficult for me to walk into there today and to go back into her room. However, I needed to do this as part of my grieving process. All the way there I kept reliving the frantic drive on that fateful morning one year ago.

I have a candle burning by her cremation box and I brought back a flower from the bouquet I had sent to the home. I placed it in front of her. I have had my "special" time with her throughout this day and night and she has allowed my heart to be at peace. Thank you soo much mom! You will live on forever through me and this website...

At seven am this morning I called the nurse's station and asked them to say a silent prayer for mom's soul at the exact moment of her death. So many people were praying for her today and this gave me great strength and peace.. I love you mom...forever and ever and ever...

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